xoxo You know SPOILER is NOT Gossip Girl

xoxo You know SPOILER is NOT Gossip Girl

It’s been almost eight years since the Gossip Girl series finale aired and I still have some feelings on it. Since my good friend and co-host Jacob just finished the series, all of my strong feelings came rushing back.  While I have some hot takes on the show overall (Serena is the WORST character, Blair deserved better friends and Carter should have ended up Serena), my most important take is regarding the true identity of Gossip Girl. Below is, uh, filled with MAJOR spoilers.

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Now, I know Lonely Boy as Gossip Girl may have worked for some, but it DID NOT work for me. Throughout the series, there are many indicators that Dan Humphrey is not only NOT Gossip Girl, but that he also had no idea who Gossip Girl was as well. Here are some of the reasons why I believe Dan is not Gossip Girl.

In the very first season, there are many Dan Humphrey/Gossip Girl crossovers. In the sixth episode, Dan is visibly surprised when reading Gossip Girl that Serena needs a date to a masked ball. Why is he so shocked to be reading a post on what should be his own website? Dan instantly springs to action to surprise Serena. Why the sudden spring? Why didn’t he spring to action when he read the tip come into Gossip Girl?

In the thirteenth episode of the first season, Gossip Girl publishes a post with a photo of Serena, Dan’s girlfriend at the time, purchasing a pregnancy test. The post sends the school and Dan’s dad into a frenzy. Why would Dan do this to his girlfriend and himself?

In the sixteenth episode of the first season, Gossip Girl sends out a blast about Little J’s sex life. Yes, Jennifer Humphrey, Dan’s fifteen-year-old sister. At first, Gossip Girl posts Jenny lost her virginity. Then when the truth was revealed that Little J lied about that, Gossip Girl blasts out, “Looks like Little J didn’t spread her legs after all. She spread lies instead.” EW.

Moving on into the second season, Dan and Serena get back together after a dramatic summer apart. Dan is begging Serena to keep it a secret, but a blast from Gossip Girl of them kissing hits the airwaves and catches the rest of the city up to speed on their reunion. If Dan wanted this to be a secret, why did he blast this out on his site?

Later on in the second season comes the worst storyline of the show perhaps, Rufus and Lily’s lovechild, Scott. Dan and Jenny find out about their long lost sibling shared with the van der Woodsen’s and want to keep it a secret, for obvious reasons. Gossip Girl, however, wastes no time and blasts out, “It seems D and S share a sibling! While I’m always a fan of star-crossed lovers, at least Romeo and Juliet didn’t share DNA!” This, uh, makes Dan and Serena’s freshly reconciled relationship super… umm, awkward? Not hot?

Furthering into season two, Dan has a creepy affair with their teacher (what is going on with this show??) and it causes quite a stir with everyone! The school, the parents, the kids, probably the mayor of NY, who knows. Gossip Girl posted a rumor that they had a relationship before there was even proof. Did Dan do this on purpose to ruin his relationship with Serena? No, because there is NO WAY HE IS GOSSIP GIRL.

Skipping ahead to season three, we have Dan, I mean Gossip Girl, outing Jenny as a drug dealer. I know Jenny was quite a social climber, but this hurt her reputation with the city, her family, potential jobs, and schools. This is not something someone would want ever? Yet, Dan says Jenny was aware for years he was Gossip Girl and had no problem with it.

Jenny later in season three sends a photo of Dan and Serena, who are not currently dating (who can keep up with these two??), sharing a bed and snuggling asleep. Dan knows Jenny sent the tip in by seeing the Gossip Girl blast, being shocked by it, wondering who did it, and then seeing a coffee cup with Jenny’s name on it in the loft. Why did he need the incriminating coffee cup to know it was Jenny if he could just check who sent the tip?

Season four is the season where it pumps full steam ahead and makes zero sense that Dan is Gossip Girl. There are minor things from Gossip Girl running a poll for Serena to choose between Dan and Nate (what?) to Dan not being able to find his baby mama, Georgina, but Gossip Girl at the same time posting she’s on an island…

Jenny is back in New York against Blair’s wishes in season four. In one of the most cringeworthy moments no matter who Gossip Girl is, Gossip Girl blasts out that Jenny lost her virginity to none other than Chuck. Please explain to me under any circumstance in which this is okay if Dan is Gossip Girl. Even Rufus brings this up to Dan when it is revealed that he’s Gossip Girl. It’s disgusting and just so wrong.

Deeper in season four when Juliet’s plot has gone completely off the rails, Gossip Girl not only alerts everyone Serena has overdosed but that she’s also in rehab now. Dan is the only person that thinks Serena was set up and is telling Lily that he “sees the good in Serena” and we can’t just lock her up. Okay, so why did you then blast out all of these horrible details that force her into rehab?

In season five, Dan has begun his romantic relationship with Blair, but she is all set to marry Prince Louie. Dan is actually a groomsman and on the altar at the same time, a Gossip Girl blast hits of Blair in her wedding dress confessing her love for Chuck, not the man she’s marrying. Does he have a Gossip Girl intern? Did he publish ahead? If so, when? He was literally a groomsman, he wouldn’t have been alone for too long.

Further in season five, there’s a real head-scratcher moment where Dan is texting none other than GOSSIP GIRL. Gossip Girl blackmails Dan to bring Blair to a party or Gossip Girl will reveal that Dan sent into the video of Blair at her wedding professing her love for Chuck. First off, I want to clarify that we know this is not when Georgina is acting as Gossip Girl during these moments. When it has been revealed that Dan is Gossip Girl, he brings up that he shut down the site after Blair and Chuck’s accident, which is prior to this.

There are some more moments where it makes no sense that Dan is Gossip Girl

  • When Georgina is pretending to be Sarah, would Gossip Girl not remember Georgina?
  • When Dan reads on Gossip Girl about Nate and Jenny kissing with a photo and gets furious. Did he not receive the tip as Gossip Girl and then post it?
  • When Gossip Girl is posting Blair’s diary pages and it ruins most relationships around Dan
  • When Gossip Girl blasts and destroys all of Dan’s friends at graduation (yes, Dan was treated nicely, but would he really say these things about his friends?) Because when he meets up with Serena he says the opposite of the Gossip Girl blast

While I could tell you that I think Nate was the best choice for Gossip Girl’s true identity, I’m not sure who everyone would agree is Gossip Girl. it is definitely not Daniel Humphrey.

Xoxo you know you love me.

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