‘The Vampire Diaries’: Kai Parker’s Best Quotes

Chris Wood’s time on The Vampire Diaries may have been short-lived but he still charmed his way into our hearts with a magnetic performance as Kai Parker.

Only appearing in 19 episodes, Wood left an imprint on the series with his dry wit, delivering some of the best lines the show had to offer.

Take a look at some of Kai’s greatest quotes:

“Sorry, manners. I’m Kai, nice to meet you. Pork rind?”

‘Welcome to Paradise’ (6×03)

“You can always fight dirty, Damon. Like that time you and Bonnie played Monopoly and you stole from the bank. Not cool.”

‘Welcome to Paradise’ (6×03)

“The useless one is here. Thank god.”

‘Welcome to Paradise’ (6×03)

“Who names their kid Malachai? It’s like they expected me to be evil.”

Black Hole Sun’ (6.04)

“I had a soft spot for one of my sisters. ‘Cause otherwise, I would’ve cut her lungs out, and not just her spleen. You can survive without a spleen.”

Black Hole Sun’ (6.04)

“I did murder or heavily maim most of my immediate family, but after a long period of self-reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that I could have handled my anger better.”

Do You Remember the First Time’ (6.07)

“Ah. Memories. Pitter-patter of little siblings’ feet, witchy-woo, chanting in the air, mom and dad calling me an abomination.”

Fade Into You’ (6.08)

“Why are jeans so tight when phones are so big?”

I Alone’ (6.09)

“Are you guys talking about Bonnie Bennett? Because honestly, I didn’t think she was all that great.”

I Alone’ (6.09)

“Like, say, you were in 747 flying over Mystic Falls, would you die? You know, that could be dangerous, like if you’re headed to New York and your pilot reroutes for weather.”

Christmas Through Your Eyes’ (6.10)

“I’m not really sure, because the third time I tried the spell, he kind of exploded in blood. Whoops.”

Woke Up With A Monster’ (6.11)

“Of course, my favourite memory is when I finally beat him to death.”

Woke Up With A Monster’ (6.11)

“In case you haven’t figured it out by now, I’m a sociopath. I know. Shocker.”

The Day I Tried to Live’ (6.13)

“Like water just oozing out of my eyeballs like I’m some alien creature excreting fluids.”

The Day I Tried to Live’ (6.13)

“By the way, how much does that suck about Patrick Swayze?”

The Day I Tried to Live’ (6.13)

“This faux merge is clearly failing because I was supposed to get your magic, right? Just- I don’t know- Put it in a- Put it in a Teddy bear or a bed pan or whatever and gimmie!”

Let Her Go’ (6.15)

“I’m just saying. Digging up mommy’s grave? That’s dark, even for me.”

‘The Downward Spiral’ (6.16)

“Crocodile Dundee called. He wants his knife back.”

A Bird in a Gilded Cage’ (6.17)

“Translation: She’s about to croak.”

I’m Thinking of You All the While’ (6.22)

“I think I’m on the wait list for heaven, but they’re not returning my calls.”

The Lies Will Catch Up To You’ (8.13)

“It feels like I’m being dragged back to hell by my colon.”

The Lies Will Catch Up To You’ (8.13)

“Hi sleepyhead, remember me?”

The Lies Will Catch Up To You’ (8.13)

“Crushed it. Literal mic drop.”

It’s Been a Hell of a Ride’ (8.14)

“Hello, Clarice.”

It’s Been a Hell of a Ride’ (8.14)

“Josie? Yoo-hoo, Lizzie? Come out where Uncle Kai can see you. I have a small axe to grind… Well, not so small.”

It’s Been a Hell of a Ride’ (8.14)

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